I swear I saw her here an instant ago. In my face one moment, gone the next. It's been a struggle to keep her in my grasp. I do have to admit though that up until the last few years of my life, she was constantly hidden...so far in the depths of my self that I wouldn't even begin to describe her, let alone find her. The ever elusive soul. It took breaking down some very well-built walls to even catch a quick glimpse of her, before she came rushing at me like a freight train going 100 miles per hour.
I used to have this sense of soul as something I'd attain when I met the person for me, my partner in crime, my future, blah blah watch too many romantic movies (and still do) mixed with Disney surrealism. Come to find out...she's been here all along. Not to say I don't still hold out a tiny bit of hope that there really is a knight in shining armour or Under Armour...or hell...jeans and a t-shirt, but I'm no longer trying to find myself in others.
For a long time I dated men that were not right for me, would make me feel like less of myself and more of a version of what I could have possibly someday been, when the person you're with should bring out the best in you. Not show you the way or change you, but just be themselves along side you, in support. So many of us get comfortable in an idea of who we should be with that we don't get a moment to stop and listen to our own selves...are we even happy? Who am I? Who am I with this person? Is this someone who will leave me a better version of myself than when they came into my life?
Fortunately (or unfortunately) I have spent the majority of my adult life single with many moments to think about myself and what I want. For the longest time I held in my true opinions and feelings, about family, about self, about hurt, about anger, you name it...it was held inside crumbling my soul into an almost nonexsistent zombie version of itself until just under two years ago when she slowly started breaking free.
It started with a couple panic attacks. Those who have not experienced extreme anxiety or panic before, it's hard to understand when someone explains it, but nevertheless, it makes me feel better to talk and write about it so guess what? You have to read it anyway. Two years ago I had some hugely important events happen in my life. My younger sister got engaged, one of my closest friends came out of the closet and I checked my number one trip off of my travel bucket list of life-Ireland. Two months later I also had a really scary panic attack while driving 80 miles an hour down the highway with my Mom in the passenger seat.
I had been feeling off for a long time, but just thought it was stress at work (another thing I'd internalize) or my health not being right. I'd have moments where I had to catch my breath or was feeling faint...but of course, brushed it under the rug as "nothing". Thanksgiving morning, a very relaxing fun family filled day and while I'm driving I start feeling my heart pounding and my breath is shallow. Next thing I know thoughts are in my head like: I am having a heartattack or I am going to pass out and die while driving, there will be a huge tragedy, I'm going to hurt someone else, this is horrible...etc etc etc. At that point of panic, there is usually not much that gets those thoughts into realistic ones, i.e., you aren't having a heartattack, you aren't dying, you aren't hurting anyone, you just have bad anxiety...and this day, this feeling...seemingly lasted forever. I pulled the car over on the highway and my Mom took the wheel, trying to talk me through it.
The next day driving to work, the feeling was still there but was more of a "what if that happens again, and I'm alone"? Feeling. It disappated over the next few weeks, only to rear it's ugly head twice more in the months to come. Both at calm,supposed-to-be-happy, moments. The final straw was one day I walked into work and felt completely off kilter. I felt faint, sad, distraught, tired, sick, everything you can mix together to make it sooo not good, was me. Tears fell from my eyes as I left work for the day and headed home and the flood gates opened when I got there. My Mom left work for the day after talking to me, and came home to talk to me. I could not for the life of me shake the overwhelming saddness I felt, but was still feeling physical symptoms as well so we decided to go to the doctors.
After multiple tests for breathing and other things, the doctor concluded (and I agreed), that I was having some serious anxiety. Next step, I call the nearest therapist (who coincidently was also my Yoga instructor at the time-fate, right?) and make an appointment. After getting over the initial judgement of "oh god I have a therapist, so embarrassing"...I started to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk some more. I started to write pages upon pages of feelings. Some extremely angry, some sad, some happy, some hopeful, about everyone in my life...and me. I realized some (for me) scary things about my stress...I hadn't been listening to music (if you know me, you know this is huge-I wake up with music on my alarm, plug my ipod in my car the minute I get in it,etc) I was silently driving to and from where I needed to be...because my head was so loud. I also realized I hadn't been reading in MONTHS. That is also a HUGE red flag. I adore reading. Not afraid to let my "geek" flag fly. Reading is such an amazingly relaxing, educating, tension releasing activity for me, that to not do it...something had to be seriously off.
I realized that I had this misconception that in order for people to be my real friends, I had to agree with everything they are about and are doing. Guess what? Not. I learned how to accept myself as flawwed but perfectly so. Friends and family as well. We are nothing if not human, and I was holding everyone in my life up to these unrealistic expectations. Once I learned to let go...soul started knocking at the door. I loaded up my ipod, stocked-up on great books, and started to let my friends in on what I had been going through. What I learned was that there are a few great ones that care so much that they still ask, even when I've passed the big hurdle for now. My soul is growing in strength...with every great new song I hear, with every great new book I read. She completely doubled in strength when I became an Aunt, when I was asked to be the Maid of Honor for my sister, when I admit to my friends the things about them that I struggle or disagree with (which I had been so afraid of doing for fear of their judgement, which was really my own), but the reaction? Love. It's been open, it's been healing, it's been a process that I'm sure will have twists and turns for a long time but the best part is that I know I'm never alone.
To those who have my heart, you know it, cause now I actually tell you. This year when my soul turns 30, I will be grateful to have learned about myself...from myself. I will be grateful for falls, because so far...I've lifted myself up. I will be grateful for my expanding family, my strength in friendships and love. I will be grateful for my niece, my godson, my place in their lives. I will grow my soul so she can never hide again.
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